Come on little embryo!!!!

I'm on bed rest again. We have had so many people willing to help us and pray for us. I just can't believe it. Heavenly Father really watches out for us. Thank you again to everyone who supports us in any way. I have gained a lot of strength as well from reading stories in past Ensign magazines of parents who have had to go through In Vitro with no success. Also, words from our past prophets have comforted us as well as knowing the blessings of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Our last transfer was on friday morning. The doctor was running 20 minutes late again which normally I wouldn't mind, but on a full bladder it's a different story. He came to get us and kind of looked sad. We could tell something was wrong. I asked if I should take my valium yet and he told me that he would go get some water for me. He walked us slowly to his office and left for a long while to get some water. Ty and I talked about how he was probably going to tell us there was only one that survived. I thought, at least one survived right? because he wouldn't be getting me water. So he came back in and sat down and I said "so I can take the valium right, because we have at least one to put in?" He told us that it was only one that would be placed in my uterus. I think he was glad that I helped him break the bad news. The embryo that survived the de-thawing had expanded 30% back to where it was originally. He told me that they can expand at different rates so this didn't mean anything. At this point I was kind of bugged that he didn't save any grade "C" eggs that I had so I could at least put in one of those. But what is done is done.

He did the procedure. It was a lot more uncomfortable than the last one, but really not that bad. I'm telling you the worst thing is holding your bladder after the procedure while lying supine! (sorry, tmi but i'm including it anyway). So we will do the 3 weeks of waiting again.

This cycle of drugs has really affected me negatively this time. I was sad after we found out last time was a no, but very quickly became extremely at peace with everything and very happy. I thought, I wonder what will happen when I start my hormones again? The birth control didn't do a whole lot, but after the second day of taking Lupron injections, my emotions changed big time! It was crazy that I was so happy two days earlier and then I felt sad. So bizarre what hormones can do! And I would try to talk my mind out of it and it was extremely difficult. I was and have been soooo emotional this time. I cry almost every day! And it's not about baby stuff in many cases! I used to have such a hard time crying when I was younger. I envied those who cried while bearing their testimony (silly, I know). And with these drugs, As soon as one tear comes, it is a waterfall! I apologize all of the time to Tyler who just laughs. He's such a good husband.

My most emotional experience happened at the Phoenix airport on my way to Utah. My lupron injections needed to be refrigerated. So we found out that all we needed to do was put the stuff in a little cooler. So I went through the line and the scanner asked me what was in the cooler. I told him and he said he was going to have someone just look inside the cooler to make sure and as long as I had solid ice packs inside I would be fine. I was ok with that. Someone from the TSA about 24 years of age came over and looked through the cooler and waved her wand over the solid ice. The wand beeped. She told me she would have to call over the airport security to check out the ice.

An older gentleman came over and asked her what the problem was. She told him that the wand beeped on the ice. He gave her a ("you know better look") and said, "you know you aren't supposed to check it if the ice is solid". She gave him a ("crap, I guess he's right. But now I look like a fool in front of this passenger and I can't have her think i'm a fool) look...thought about what she was going to do, and out of pride she decided to not let me go anyway. He gave her a (I can't believe you) look and shook his head. She told me that I needed to have her check all of my belongings. I looked at her and said in a low pleading voice, "why? The man just said that you were not even supposed to scan the ice if it was solid and you were supposed to let me go." Her response was "yah, but I can override whatever he says and I've decided to check your things." Can you believe that answer?!?!? I was bugged, and getting a little anxious. If anyone knows me well, you know that I am passionate about my freedoms and I didn't know how it would affect me until this day and with all of my extra emotions.

She started unzipping my bags, things were falling out on the floor, she was putting them back in different places. Then she said "have you ever had a pat down?" I lost it. I started crying, trying not to let her notice. i asked her why I had to have one of those and she said, that she needed to check everything. I had a choice to do it in front of people or in a room. I barely let out through my tears that I'd rather have people see this horrible thing happen to me. I started crying uncontrollably because to me I was being molested when I was being groped against my own will because of her pride. I know for others who don't mind going through these things, it wouldn't be molesting to them. But for someone who does not want to be violated and does not consent to this awful treatment, it really was molesting and I felt more violated than I ever have felt in my life.

I told her afterwards that I hope one day she would understand. Benjamin Franklin, our great founding father, said, "Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." The girl left me with a guilty frown on her face and wouldn't look at me in the face not once during the "procedure". Of course I gasped and gasped for air as I walked to my terminal while people stared on or asked if I was ok. It was amazing what effect this experience had on me. It is very sad that this can happen when someone in the TSA abuses their power. While waiting for the plane, i hoped more than ever that we could get a baby out of this process.

Something on a better note...I finally gave myself a real shot! I was in Utah and I had to decide if my grandma was going to give me the shot in my leg or if I was going to give it to myself. I decided on the latter for reasons you could imagine. It wasn't that bad either! I still cant do it in my stomach though....yet.

We started the heparin shots around a week and a half ago. Twice a day. My stomach is black and blue in many areas now. It's extremely ugly, but most of the injections are ok. I had one that hurt so bad (I think Tyler injected into a bruise on accident) that I cried for 5 minutes long (not just because of the initial injection, but because of the crazy stinging feeling after). I have never been stung by a bee and have been super afraid of bees because of this. I'm curious to know if the sting from heparin shots feel like a bee sting. Anyone know?

One other experience I had last week. I woke up for the day to what I thought was my alarm. I started getting ready for the day and gave myself progesterone. Then I thought, I am sooo tired! I looked at the clock and it was 12:59 at night! I had just given myself progesterone and estrogen at 10:15 and then again at 1:00. This worried me that I gave myself too much of a drug that can cause blood clots. I could hardly sleep the whole night. If I wouldn't have been so sleepy, I would have realized that thanks to taking heparin (a blood thinner) there probably wouldn't be anything that would happen. The next morning, I was extra thankful for heparin shots. :)

Well, even if this embryo doesn't decide to stay in my uterus, we won't give up hope. I have heard stories of people that have miraculously gotten pregnant a few cycles after in vitro. Who knows? I do know that we were supposed to do In VItro fertilization. I know it was what Heavenly Father wanted for us. No matter what happens. We are supposed to go through these trials. He loves us. Even if it may be because our baby's spirit is not ready to come to our family quite yet. We are willing to wait. Although we won't have money or emotional strength to do this again soon I am confident that there will be many chances for us in the future to give birth to our own child. I know that even if a child comes to us from adoption, that child can be sealed to us in the temple forever and it will just be amazing.